"we just keep running
into the same old shit
you wanna hate me because I’m a little different
from that book you keep beating on
and I wanna hate you because you hate
and it’s a vicious cycle
why can’t we just cooperate
we are all just human beings after all
same basic anatomy
red blood pumping through you and me
so why this animosity
it gets us no where
when you hate and I hate
it makes the world a sad place
and the children grow up in a world that’s just so ugly
because when I hate you because you judge me
I’m just as bad
I want this world to be better
for the future generations
for all those little ones still hanging out in playpens
I want them to see the world in a different way
for them to read about the dark days
the hate days
and ask what for
because the children always know better don’t they
if we don’t teach them hate
they will never know
of the distances that can grow
from differences that just don’t matter
so while I don’t share your religion
I do have a bit of an affliction
to show the same kind of love that Jesus did
so I’m going to try to turn the other cheek
be strong but also meek
I’ll be the mirror that you need
to show you how love really can succeed
and maybe we can grow together
and just be human beings in the end
friends and family
and the world will have less tragedy
and we can all stop running
because these circles aren’t concentric
they’re just ridiculous
let’s make this end"
I’ve been thinking of a way to put the emotion that I feel about the Sandy Hooks shooting into words since it happened because words are how I sort out my emotions. I’ve tried to write this out so many times and I just can’t seem to get a grip on it all to be able to let it out.
I cannot recall a time in my adult life that something like this has impacted me this much. Not to say that I didn’t feel an immense sadness after the Aurora shooting or that any other such event hasn’t touched me as well. There is simply something about this one that is lingering with me. Perhaps it’s because the main targets were innocent children, perhaps it’s because this is the 14th mass shooting to take place in America this year, perhaps it’s because I really feel that this could have and should have been prevented; the obvious answer is that it’s because of all of these things that I feel this way. And one additional thing, as a child of 10 I also witnessed the violence of guns in the hands of evil people and it never left me.
I feel so badly for the victims, for their families, even for the family of the shooter but more so than anything else I feel such grief for the children that survived this. Those children that now know that the world is filled with evil people; these babies that have had their childhood stripped from them far too soon. I think having a first hand knowledge of that kind of pain and confusion is what is breaking my heart. I wish that I could hug everyone of those children that survived this and tell them that while the world can be dark and horrible there are always good people too. I want to tell them that they don’t have to be scared all the time and that they shouldn’t give up on the world. I want to tell them that they aren’t alone. I want to tell them that asking for help or telling people how broken they feel is ok. I want to tell them not to internalize their anger, confusion, and rage. I want to tell them to not turn against themselves because they’ve done nothing wrong, that they are stronger than their fear and grief.
I want to talk to their parents and tell them to be patient with their children because they may have to relearn how to be a kid again; and that maybe they won’t ever be carefree children ever again and that they need to help them cope with that. I want to tell them that Saturday morning cartoons may not bring the same joy, that a Disney movie may not bring comfort, that toys may not seem as appeasing to their kids but that they should remind them of these things gently so that maybe they can regain some of their childhood.
So please remember the survivors in your thoughts/prayers/well wishes. Remember that they are victims too.
I should be doing other things… I should be looking and applying for new jobs because the one I have makes me miserable… I should be looking for some way to get into school this semester… But before I do any of that I have to share something that happened the other day… It impacted me in that completely silent way so much so that I cannot stop thinking about it.
(TW: Self Harm)
Oh yes I remember days
Talking about how we would one day get out.
Yes I remember high hopes and lofty dreams.
When did we learn the taste of dirt?
When did we figure out how to hurt?
Oh when did we fall so far down?
Forever in a cage of your own making;
Why am I the only one whose heart is breaking?
Please remember with me
All the things you wanted to be,
The places we said we’d go.
Yes I know,
The world has broken all of us down;
But even crippled I’ll cross this broken ground
I just wish it wasn’t alone.
So young with high hopes and lofty dreams,
How long ago it seems.
Now the hole you said you’d never dig
Has gotten too big,
All I can hope is that it doesn’t become your grave.
I wish I could save
I wish there was a spark to turn to flame
But I can’t push what isn’t there.
Can you even remember,
Our high hopes and lofty dreams?
How we always said tomorrow
But tomorrow has come and gone.
Now all that remains
Are shadows and old songs.
I took my tomorrow
And I made it my today
And even crippled with dust in my mouth
I can smile because I found a way out.
I know what this is; this feeling of everything and nothing all at once. This numbing depression every so often sneaks up behind me and sinks in its vile venomous fangs leaving me dumbfounded and paralyzed on my bathroom floor. I cannot breathe I think; but my conscious state tells me that I am in fact inhaling life giving air. I cannot feel I muse; yet when I pinch the tender underside of my arm I flinch.
In these moments I can almost see the dark shadow that lives in the recesses of me slither out and strip me of my control. With the masters keys in hand it swiftly unlocks every cage that keeps my demons at bay and they all pounce immediately. Anger, fear, rage, doubt, hate, disgust, hopelessness, and so many others ravage me until I feel like my chest has caved in. That wicked shadow always seems to dangle the same thing in front of me in these moments. It’s as if it whispers to me in a secret language that all of this can be better, that all of this can go away if I just give into the pain that once encompassed my life.
Reblogged from captainchristoph :
I took a philosophy class a few years back in my second semester of college. All in all, pretty fantastic course - my professor was the southern version of Mr. Feeny, the other students around me seemed like an intelligent bunch who actually wanted to be there, and the class was altogether wonderfully thought-provoking. I probably got the most out of this class in comparison to every other college course I’ve taken to date (and yes, I say that now as a university student today, whereas I originally took this class in community college).
For whatever reason, one particular lesson/class exercise stood out the most.
My professor listed a series of things on the board. Some were tangible, like money, shelter, and clothing; others, not as much, like security, religion, and companionship. More were listed (at least a dozen and then some), but I can’t recall it all. The exercise was a class survey of what we believed to be most necessary in life, apart from the most basic needs of human existence (food, water, air, things like that).
So, I took a good look at the board, and had my hand ready to vote for “companionship.” Be it love, friendship, anything of the sort, having company from another is something pretty damn vital, is it not? I had my friends, my family - they were each individually lifelines in their own respects, like braids of a rope wound together. My professor went down the list one at a time, people would raise their hands, and some volunteer from each group would give some representative reason as to why they picked it.
Well, the time finally came when my professor pointed to “companionship” on the board, and there I was, just about to raise my hand (as at least 75% of the rest of the class did), but my hand stayed down. I’d seen something else on the board that caught my eye, right underneath it, and the more I thought about it, the more I agreed with it.
So, the “companionship” group gave their tidbits and we moved onto the next one. I immediately raised my hand, along with only maybe two or three other people in the class altogether. Gotta admit, for a split second I wanted to change my answer back to avoid the weirdness.
The choice under “companionship” was “sense of humor.”
And so came the one-shot Q&A from my professor as to why we believed that this was the most necessary thing in life to have. A few seconds of silence followed, and none of us raised our hands. To be frank, I didn’t even know if I really meant to choose this after all. Either way, I ventured out and took a shot anyways, if just for kicks.
I ended up saying that it’s always important to find the humor in things, despite how awful things might be. To be fair, this was a page out of the book of an acting class for theater I took, because nobody wants to be bogged down with drama. People want to laugh, to have their spirits raised, to know that everything isn’t all doom-and-gloom. I suppose that lesson resurfaced itself here and I discovered that I resonated with it more than I originally thought.
Of course, this got a few laughs from people in the class (nothing mean-spirited, though; I’d have probably laughed myself if I wasn’t grinning dumbly mid-shrug). But my professor instead insisted I go on, that there was more to it. To be perfectly honest, I wasn’t exactly sure where the next words out of my mouth ended up originating from, but out they spilled anyways:
A time comes when everyone ends up alone. Eventually, regardless of the circumstances, you will be by yourself. Instead of relying on others to make you happy, you’ll have to make happiness for yourself. You know; you’ve got to make yourself laugh, even when things are at their worst.
The class became pretty quiet after that, leading me to think I’d just said something monumentally moronic (I was still mostly fresh out of high school and hardly knew what I was talking about anyways). The professor didn’t make a big hoopla out of it, but he did give a sort of grin of approval afterwards, and we moved on with the lesson.
Until somewhat recently, I wasn’t sure if I fully believed my own explanation. All I knew at the time was that it was rational and made a decently valid point. It was a statement I could support, but to support with legitimate conviction was something else, you know? I can’t even claim it to be a conclusion I came to all by myself. My best friend had told me something incredibly similar before (so I guess you could say that stuck), and my mother raised me to be independent and self-sufficient in more ways than one.
But you know what? I support that statement with conviction now. These days, I see too many people whose happiness is validated through others, be it a lover’s love, flocks of admirers (even if they’re strangers), a group of friends, the list goes on and on. I myself, however, have sampled different palates of deprivation at several different times in my life: dwindling friendships, damaged trust, axed infatuations, severed love, so on, so forth. Some of it was self-wrought, or another’s actions, or mutual fault, or things were just lost to the natural flow of the universe, fallen to the wayside. People come, people go; change is the only truly constant thing there is, after all. To make another person the crux of one’s happiness is like playing a game that’s never won, rather you get a little better at it each time you play. Friendships, love, they can last anywhere between an hour and a lifetime. It is a nonrenewable resource that, while perhaps long-lasting, can just as easily become extinguished within a matter of moments, be it by natural causes or otherwise.
I’m a guy with some hellishly strong bonds with the people around him. My family, my friends, I know they’re there for me, and so long as they’re able to, they’ll always be, and I for them. Truthfully, I know that I have personally invested myself into more than one of them to the point that if they are ever beyond my grasp, I will be devastated, likely beyond full recovery. I’m fine with that, as I’d rather be close to these people and risk such pain than distance myself and play it safe.
One’s personal happiness is that which helps maintain one’s sanity should such devastation occur, however. Another person gone from one’s life might lead them into a dark place, but that self-sufficiency, that’s the illumination which keeps them from being swallowed by shadows. It is possible to achieve happiness with another and share it alongside having happiness for oneself, too, and I think that’s something worth remembering. To self-generate happiness, to keep a sense of humor for yourself; that’s the difference between possibly being the last human on earth with nothing to live for, destined to whither away, and the same last human on Earth who can still carry on, even with just that one small thing pushing him forward.
Truthfully, I’m not even positive as to why I felt inclined to type out these ramblings this pleasant evening, but hey, that’s just my nature for you. Much appreciation for reading this through, for anyone who bothered to do so. It’s nice to think I’m not just speaking out into the void, but hey, I guess that’s something to learn from in itself, huh?
I’m proud to call this guy my best friend.
You beg me, “Please don’t go
I can’t stand the pain.”
You promise softly that you’ll never hurt again.
But your touch bruises,
Your kisses sting,
And it will always be the same.
This fear in me I fear
Will never fade away.
Beg me to lie here,
Your bloody sacrifice,
Beg me to die here
So maybe you can one day make it right.
You break my wings
So I can’t take flight;
You tear my soul to shreds
All to try to bind me to you
But I think I would rather be dead.
I’ll take my freedom,
Whatever the cost.
I may stumble,
I may feel lost
But away from you my wings will heal.
My skin will once again learn to feel
Something pleasant instead of pain.
Away from you I will learn to smile again.
I have no need for harmful hands
And acid kisses.
Love should not cause harm.
So I’m heading for the hills
Setting off every alarm
To tell them all
A monster that hurts
Does not love.
Reblogged from girlgoesgrrr :
Do you realize that the… bank bailout — that sum of money is greater than the entire 50-year running budget of NASA. And so when someone says ‘We don’t have enough money for this space program,’ I’m (saying) ‘No, it’s not that you don’t have enough money. It’s that the distribution of money that you’re spending is warped in some way, that you are removing the only thing that gives people something to dream about tomorrow.’
…In the 60’s and 70’s, you didn’t have to go more than a week before there was an article in Life magazine — ‘The Home Of Tomorrow.’ ‘The City Of Tomorrow.’ ‘The Transportation Of Tomorrow.’ All that ended in the 1970’s after we stopped going to the Moon. It all ended. We stopped dreaming.
And so I worry that the decisions the Congress makes doesn’t factor in the consequences of those decisions on tomorrow. Tomorrow is gone — metaphoric tomorrow, not the literal tomorrow.
(Politicians) are playing for the quarterly report; they’re playing for the next election cycle. And that is mortgaging the actual future of this nation. The rest of the world just passes by."
"that is the goal … isn’t it? … not only to recognize the pain … not only to celebrate our scars … to stop ignoring the sting … but to survive … to overcome it … to conquer it … thru art, thru suffering, thru knowledge of self … becuz there really is glory in breaking thru the barrier … in building your own identity … on your own terms … of living a full life without compromise."
-Otep Shamaya (link)
Ever wonder why Otep fills me with such joy, pride, and inspiration? Look no further; this woman is an absolute beacon of hope.
Where I go, when I go there,
No more whispering anymore-
Only hymns upon your lips;
Theme by Lauren Ashpole